Application for the "Dad" Job

Otto sent this to me. It's hilarious.
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Subject: JOB DESCRIPTION
Position: DAD

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often
chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will
include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES
~ Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing.
Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis
management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
~ Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box,
because you most likely will need it for a school project.
~ Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing
budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than
me!" for the rest of your life.
~ Must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse
conditions while simultaneously practicing above mentioned skills in
conflict resolution.
~ Must be able to choose your battles wisely and then stick to your guns.
~ Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything."
~ Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5
to go skating.
~ Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
~ Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case this time the screams from the
backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
~ Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
~ Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
~ Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects.
~ Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of
all ages and mental outlooks.
~ Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
~ Must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser
will be your middle name.
~ Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions on the fly
such as "What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't we just stop all wars?"
~ Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
~ Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product.
~ Other responsibilities include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due
when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is
left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you
play your cards right.