For those who work in an office.

Funny for those who work in an office.

New Rules Of The Office.
Effective immediately. . .

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve in writing this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DEATH AND THE WORKPLACE:
It has come to our attention that employees have been known to die on the job. this will not be tolerated without two weeks advance written notice. should it become necessary to die on the job employees are expected to find a qualified replacement prior to succumbing to death.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week



AND NOW - OFFICE DARES!!!

Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?

Why not initiate an office dare system - however to do it properly only you
are allowed to know the dare. Sound confusing? Well read on . . .

One Point Office Dares
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player'
must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone point it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.


Three Point Office Dares
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all
that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


Five Point Office Dares
1. At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two."
5. After every sentence say "mon" in a rally bad Jamaican accent. As in
"the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's diary write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights".
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that? "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't
talk about it."
13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a
very important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit,
smash each biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards
the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting
attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life
counterparts.

 

Oed and I are going to try #19 for the 5 point dare at our next staff meeting.

Hopefully Pump won't get too pissed. He is a meany at meetings.

 

I don't know - the one I had in mind, I threw away years ago. Was worthless.