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ten simple rules

Discussion in 'General Open/Public Discussion' started by Mignonne, 21 Jan 2006.


  1. 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early"

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
    Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
    Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
    Places where there is darkness.
    Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
    Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
    Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
    Hockey games are okay.
    Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

    TownDrunk

    (this will be handed out to all boys that come with in a mile of our house) :)
     
  2. DonkeySmiler

    DonkeySmiler Eater of Gnomish Persons DragonWolf

    lol nice..... I especially like rule number nine. Reminds me of some of the fathers I see "coaching" their daughters at the gym. I just want to walk up to them and ask "If you know so much about weight lifting and fitness then.... uh..... why don't you practice what you preach?" But I guess they are the all-knowing. :D
     
  3. Sentrosi

    Sentrosi Protocol Officer Officer

    Officer
    OMG those 10 rules are going up on a plaquard right at the front door of my house. Think the 10 commandments at that courthouse down south....
     
  4. Om

    Om DragonWolf

    Mig, are you going to sign it "Town Drunk?" :p~

    Those are funny, btw. I have to write up a set of my own for my daugher. <3
     
  5. Asp

    Asp Administrative Officer Officer

    Officer
    Might want to make so your husband hands out the rules, just in case you start confusing people.. I'd hate to think this whole time in WoW you were actually this balding "potbellied" old guy, with a higher pitched voice :lol:
     
  6. roflmao :) ya my hubby will be the one handing them out :)

    my dad actually handed me the thing and said, this applies to my grandaughter, enforce it!! :)

    so ya need to change a few things, but i think hubby will be the one standing at the door handing them out!!! :)

    as for town drunk, that is what it was signed, i wanted to make sure proper credit was given to it :) no worries, i will edit for my own benifit and be passing out to the boys :) i have a gun and i do know how to use it :) several in fact!
     
  7. rofl thats funny. I hope my dad never hands out rules like that i would be scared lol :D
     
  8. kassa...im guessing that its pretty much a given that he will...sorry 'bout yer luck there ;)
     
  9. I found much humor, but in a more tormented way :(

    I had to deal with a girls father this weekend (long story short, she got caught sneaking out) and quite frankly, I fear for my life.
     
  10. sorry if i have given him ammunition kassa :) but well :) i cant blame him if he does :)
     
  11. Tbeast

    Tbeast Recruitment Officer Officer Elder

    Officer
    :lol:

    i think mani just starts cleaning the guns when boy's come over
     
  12. you know, when my dad met my first husband, he pulled out his guns and was *bonding* as he put it :) with him......
     
  13. ORANGE

    ORANGE DragonWolf

    I have had no horror stories with girls' dads they all seem to have liked me....*shrug*.
     
  14. Sentrosi

    Sentrosi Protocol Officer Officer

    Officer
    It's all a facade Orange. We (meaning fathers) will lure you in like a fish to a worm, slowly building up your confidences. You will reach a point where you start talking to your g/f's father like he was one of the boys. That's when we pounce.
     

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