The Dreaded Tomato Addiction

This is an example used in a logic class to show how logic, when taken in absolute, can take you to incorrect but quite logical conclussions. Presonally I always get a good giggle from it so I thought I'd share it.

The Dreaded Tomato Addiction

One of the best-kept secrets in the civilized world is the deleterious effect of eating tomatoes.

During the Middle Ages in Europe, the tomato was known to be poisonous, a relative of the Belladonna plant whose fruit was frequently involved with the passing of the crown.

Some how Big Business, with its insane desire to cut every tree, pollute every stream and poison the very air we breathe, managed to persuade the ignorant/ innocent masses that tomatoes were good to eat. Oh sure, they taste good, but so does ethylene glycol (antifreeze).

Yes, it’s easy to grow; many addicts grow them in their backyard or even in a corner of the living room. Could you imagine some one voluntarily surrendering living space to grow a plant to which he was not addicted? Especially since this fruit is readily available sliced, diced, dried, canned, fresh, frozen, or pureed in virtually every grocery and discount store in this country.

“But,” you say, “Tomatoes, addictive? Surely you jest!” But, no. I am telling you that an experiment was done. This tightly controlled and important data collection exercise was run, at great risk to the researchers I might add, because of the highly volatile nature of those suffering the effects of withdrawal. The experiment was conducted in to separate parts. The first was part of the experiment was used to establish that when tomatoes were withheld from a subject, that subject would immediately turn to substitutes so as to curb the cravings. The second part of the experiment involved the withholding of both tomatoes and their substitutes, such as carrots, lettuce, broccoli, or steak and potatoes. The adverse effects were so serious that in a very short number of days the experiment had to be discontinued to preserve the very life of the subjects.

So, while we currently have no known effective counter for the withdrawal symptoms, we are still confident that research will provide an answer. This is made all the more important because the substances contained in tomatoes can be damaging even in the short term. Surveys have shown that 95% of all prison inmates admit to regular tomato consumption while 98% of juvenile delinquents are tomato junkies. Almost 100% of people with serious mental disturbances have eaten tomatoes regularly for most of their lives. Bear in mind how difficult it is to avoid this “blood-red poison.” It is chopped and stewed, spiced and mixed with sugar and sold over the counter as “catsup.” The unmistakable color shows up in many soups and did you know that one of the main ingredients in “cheese pizza” is tomatoes? If by this point, the seriousness of the situation does not convince you, let me suggest a simple illustrative demonstration. Take several tomatoes and smash them into a mash. Take one goldfish (preferably one you don’t like very much) and introduce it into the tomatoes. Within minutes the goldfish will be dead.

But even more serious than the short term addictive problems are the long-term physical effects. At first, addicts who have used these beautiful red fruits show very few outward signs of the carnage being wreaked within. But after 30 years, men begin to lose their hair and women begin seeking skin moisturizers. After 40 years, eyesight begins to go, hairlines recede, and, in spite of expensive moisturizer creams and wrinkle removers, wrinkles appear on the face and other areas. At 60 years, you can expect general debilitation ranging from aches and pains, shortness of breath and other internal problems to total hair loss and unbelievable wrinkling of the skin. Continued addiction beyond 60 years is simply foolhardy. Almost all persons who continue to eat tomatoes after 60 years of addiction die, pure and simple. And I don’t have to tell you what they look like.

So, in spite of the continued legality, sponsored and fostered by the secretive tomato lobby (also known as the US Agriculture Department), and in spite of the difficulty in identifying products containing tomatoes, and even in spite of what your friends or peers may say about your apparently “aberrant” behavior, say “No!” to tomatoes. The life you live will be better for it.