Too funny

I thought this was so funny i wanted to share it. Contains some naughty words.

Why we love our kids:

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by
his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One
little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to
iron."


6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but
what's growing in your butt?"


7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is
how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we
are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to
say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher
stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think the farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh!
A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I
was, but mother says I'm not."


10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake while her dad
gets his hair cut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

 

I'm sorry to those who have seen it before, i haven't. Is the language too much should i edit it?? I know not only adults could view it.

 

Well gee am i the only one here who has never read that before?? Being that i have only had a computer for 3 mo. and i am new here I might end up posting old news all the time. Hope you all don't mind!

 

My son is 5, my daughter is 4 and they have already done somethings and said somethings similar!! And it is so much funnier reading it than going through it. But afterwards you can sit back and laugh and be happy it's over(til the next time)