If you ever want to Date my Daughter

It's a word play thing.

I only did it since you decided to start speaking the queens english.

 

Well we do all come from former brittish colonies

 

When were Germany or Sweden British Colonies?

 

1648

 

Got Link?

 

It's actully in the User Agreement you sign when you register. It says that all threads must go off topic by the time they reach the second page.

 

This thread took longer than most.

 

Not really. Your pages are just shorter then most so it takes 3 for you.

 

I got 10 posts per page, you?

 

lets bring it back on topic

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by
a complete financial statement, school history, job history,
ancestral lineage, photo ID, DMV printout, a current medical report and
drug test results from your doctor, and three references.

A processing fee of $64.00 (cash only) must also be included.

NAME: Barney BILLY-Bob
DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER: N/A(banned from using the phone at Fred's Burger-Barn)
HOME ADDRESS: Truck
CITY/STATE: Hey, i thought ther wuznt gona be math, i aint doing no division
ZIP Thx for telling me to check it.
DATE OF BIRTH __________
HEIGHT/WEIGHT what in the hell is this, a math test?
HAIR COLOR & LENGTH I cant see it
SOCIAL SECURITY #: 999999999
DRIVERS LICENSE: cant fit this on this line
IQ: FU
GPA: N/A
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: I cant read off of the ones i stole from that kid
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? YES ____ NO check
If NO, please explain
(heya billy-bob joe said i didnt havta writ this oen down, on account of please or something)
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________

Numbers of years they have been married: 0________
If less than your age, explain
hey, now im warning you, if theres more math here theres is gona be problems and repercasions
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________

Do you own or have access to:
A van? Yes _______ No C
A truck or car with oversized tires? Yes________ No C
A waterbed? Yes ______ No C
A pickup with a mattress in the back? Yes________ No C
A condom? Yes________ No C
Pornography? Yes_____ No C

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or tattoo?
Yes______ No C(shop still owns them till i pay for them)

If you answered YES to any of the above questions, DISCONTINUE
application and leave the premises.

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
when the girl scouts take too long to give us their money and their cookies
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
Sally-Sue said that this proffessor guy she slept with for a passing grade said
something about molycuuls that aint able to touch each other, so i guess it means
that the proffessor guy wasnt lieing(i dont think this is right)
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
its one of them big words that... um... lemme get the dictionary...
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________
__________________________________________________
___________________

Church you attend: Every we find
How often: Whenever money is low(often)

What was the reason your last girlfriend dumped you?
7 times a day was too much for her.
__________________________________________________
___________________

When would be the best time to interview your:
FATHER ____ am C pm
MOTHER ____ am C pm
PRIEST ____ am C pm
PREVIOUS GIRLFRIEND ____ am C pm
PAROLE OFFICER ____ am C pm

Answer the following by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all
answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
guall blader(some dork i was kicking the crap out of said something about me digesting my self from the inside, rekon that would suck)
__________________________________________________
___________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
hehe-hehe you said bone.
__________________________________________________
___________________

C: A woman's place is in the:
box? what are you getting at here?
__________________________________________________
___________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
what this applicationn doesn't want to ask me about. i wanna keep some secrets.
__________________________________________________
___________________

E: When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice is her:
Rack
__________________________________________________
___________________

NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises
while keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is
strongly advised.
(it was hard thinking of its meadicaul term for tits, real hard)
F: What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
if the owner gets to watch or not?
__________________________________________________
___________________

G: The drug store sells condoms in packages of (circle one):
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: I don't know because I buy them in bulk quantities from the
manufacturer.
(dont buy them)

H: The last girl that I dated had a bra that used:
A: 1 hook
B: 2 hooks
C: 3 hooks
(D): a snap in the front and was easy to remove.

I: My car or truck is equipped with the following (check all that
apply):
C A very large & wide front (or rear) bench seat
____ Front buckets seats that fold down flat--(intentionally or not?)
____ A gun rack---(its really more of a pile)
____ A V8 engine with over 300 horsepower (best mile time:_______)
C A 6000 watt stereo that is louder then most jet planes

J: What do you want to do IF you grow up?
Go to dizney land.
__________________________________________________
___________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN
ANT TORTURE, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, CASTRATION,
ELECTROCUTION, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.



________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron--- wats sign mean?)

__________________________________________________
___________________

Thank you for your interest in my daughter.
Please allow four to six years for processing. Please do not try to
call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) while
waiting for processing.

If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing.
We will then schedule a pre-date meeting with my daughter, myself, and
the armed, off-duty police officers who will tail you during the date.
On the evening of the date, please arrive at least 30 minutes early so
that your auto may be searched and a final urine sample taken.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might
want to watch your back).

All decisions are final, but you may reapply in 50 years.


DO NOT MARK BELOW THIS LINE - OFFICIAL USE ONLY
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK

Final judgment & disposition:
Approved ________ Rejected ________ Kill Him ________


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

financial statement: spending more on hookers then getting from assorted illicite activity(thx Fred!)
school history: assaulted 3rd grade teacher, stabbed several various people, got kicked out
job history: (sally said the statue of limits or something wasnt out so i shouldnt put this down yet)
ancestral lineage: mom,pah,grandma,grandpa,thats as far as I can see
Photo IDshould i send the police lineup, the checkout do not accept checks from, or the sex offenders profile)
DMV printout: I aint guna stand in line for 40 minutes harassing ppl to get out of line to get this paper
a current medical report: The doctor said he didnt know how i was still alive
drug test results from your doctori could not get this, too busy running from cops)
three references:Fred's Burger-Barn, Sue's Battery shelter, Joe and Co drug running.

 

oh and heres one from lotsofjokes.com

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When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Original ©Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron


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Hmmmmmmm..................

I don't want to have a duaghter. Too many rules to remember.

 

Too much crap to read

 

Indeed

 

Hey where is Hamma?

Does anyone have the cliff notes for that book?

 

Cliff Notes: Think about touching my duaghter, and I kill you.

 

That's why I post all day long so that i never get behind.